Yesterday Dr. D came by suggesting we take a look at the baby/my cervix and discuss going home to continue bedrest. I was ecstatic! Over the past week all of the other doctors had mentioned it, but as Dr. D is the most conservative - I didn't even consider going home until the word came from her!
We set the time for noon, Grant came to meet us, and Dr. D rolled the ultrasound machine into my room where we saw Baby A is doing great, weighing in at 2 lbs 4 ounces with all vitals & amniotic fluid looking perfect - a huge relief! She is unfortunately breach which means I would have to have a C-section if my water breaks/labor begins so I am wrapping my head around that (after giving birth naturally to 9.5lb Grace, have a Csection for a preemie seems ridiculous) but overall faith was restored that the bedrest approach is working.
While stable, the reality is my cervix is still dilated and we are just at the 26 week mark - we have a long journey still before we wouldn't need instantaneous medical intervention if labor began. The two biggest risks right now are infection causing PTL or my waters spontaneously breaking as my membranes are exposed. In the words of Dr. D, "We have a few more weeks until we don't have to worry about the baby just falling out." If we were to go into labor now or anytime before week 32, I would need to be hooked up to a Magnesium Sulfate Drip-IV to prevent brain bleeding and given another round of corticosteroids for Baby A's lungs before delivering. Unfortunately I am not a candidate for drugs that post-pone labor/stop contractions due to my severe allergy to aspirin and anti-inflamatories.
I want to go home. I miss watching Grace grow, cuddling with Kellydog and spending quality time with my husband. I haven't really slept since I was admitted as I hear babies crying all night which cause me to miss sweet Grace and the nurses take my vitals (temperature, blood pressure, lung capacity, HR) every 3 hours to ensure I am not at risk for infection that can cause labor- which means absolutely no REM sleep, coupled with pregnancy insomnia. The days are long and lonely- usually my family leaves by 6pm to put Grace to bed and I don't see anyone until noon the next day - leaving 18 hours of restless solitude. Crafting in bed is frustrating at this point, reading a chore and meditating something I do only to check the box. The bland hospital food just makes me miss cooking for my family and I really really miss the sunshine. I have only been outside for 10 minutes in 14 days. I am trying to stay positive, but it is a challenge. I have never been one for jealousy but this dark, unknown emotion envelopes me every time someone visits and then walks out my door-- I almost don't want visitors at this point because the emotion is so overwhelming whenever someone stands and gets to leave this place. Have I mentioned how much I miss Grace?! I feel imprisoned but my family isn't very supportive of home bedrest so here is where I am stuck.
I never imagined that the most difficult challenge I would face as a woman wouldn't be a physical or mental one, yet an emotional challenge. I am torn because I absolutely want to do everything for thriving Baby A, but I also feel like I am missing so much with Grace growing so quickly. It is a tough scale to balance. This rollercoaster sure is giving me a ride. Halloween is going to be tough.
With the "Bedrest Blues" creeping in, my awesome nurse Kelley tried to cheer me up by having a surprise therapy dog, Appache - a beautiful white lab in a halloween bandana, come visit in the afternoon. Well this set off the Niagara Falls of tears streaming down my face missing Kellydog. It was embarrassing. This is the longest I have ever been away from her, and it was all downhill from there.
Although my frustrations are rising, I am trying my best to keep perspective and remember how truly lucky I am that God gave us the gift to do something (or nothing depending on how you look at it) these past few weeks to keep this baby cooking. Too many of my girl friends have suffered the loss of a miscarriage which makes me feel so guilty complaining about the small sacrifices I am having to make now. I will never fully understand their loss (but gain great strength from their experience and always admire how they've handled with grace), yet I do sympathize with the fear we faced these past few weeks as we creep toward viability- and the overwhelming responsibility all on me to keep this baby cooking.
At the end of the day, we decided that I will stay put in room 166 until November 6th (or if I go in labor) as that weekend I will turn 28 weeks with the greatest of risk diminished. My dad's 60th is November 20th and my 31st on Thanksgiving Day, November 26th, so hopefully it sounds like I'll get to be home by then, still cooking this Baby Girl!
"I'll be gone 'til November, I'll be gone 'til November..."