Two steps forward, one step back...


Just about every NICU parent who has been brave enough to show their support and share their own journey, warned us there will be days when you take two steps forward, then one step back. In reality, I should have been prepared... But we were doing soooooo well. Each day Dr A would say what a rockstar our daughter was, constantly improving and hinting that we could be taking our daughter home around the new year (4weeks ahead of schedule!)  - she even mentioned maybe, just maybe this year.

... And then last night I entered the NICU to find my youngest daughter back in the isolette, once again having to change her diapers and take her temperature through the portholes- having plexiglass as a barrier between us...  

This really isn't a big issue - she is just failing to maintain her temperature- and as a 34 weeker, it is to be expected. But the nurses all seemed disappointed and hinting that maybe she just isn't doing as well as we had all been celebrating. I mean, she is supposed to be cooking for another 6 weeks! I think this is just weighing heavily on my shoulders as I had gotten too confident. We had our routine. She was constantly improving with feeds. I had noticed the past 48 hours out of her isolette I rarely got a temp above 36.5, but I figured she was just adjusting. Last night Grace, Grant and I got together at a friend's home down the street for a holiday party and enjoyed ourselves - escaping the bright lights of the NICU and constant beeps of monitors for an hour- is this our punishment for embracing the holiday spirit? Should I have been there doing skin-to-skin?  Seeing her regress is the ultimate mom guilt. I don't know if I feel guiltiest about not being there when she was moved back, or the fact that I haven't even procured or set up a Christmas tree for Grace or really gotten any presents yet. I'm split in two and right now it feels like whatever I try I'm letting someone down, failing to live up to duty as a role model for my little munchkins. And I am exhausted. So exhausted. But tomorrow is a new day- filled with another ROP eye exam and nutritional blood labs for the little one, as well as monitoring her progress on the HMF... Tomorrow is another day for progress-- and I acknowledge I should never be complaining about bad days, as we are extremely lucky to have the days to share with our sweet Emme who came too soon- whether they are good or bad. 

Really looking forward to the holidays passing and 2016 coming so that we can start fresh and find out feet with our whole family home and under one roof. 


hope you and yours are enjoying the holidays! Spread a little Christmas cheer for us!