Tougher than She Looks

Shakespeare said it best, "Though she be but little, she be fierce." If only mama had some of that same bravery...

Today has just been one of "those" days where I am feeling completely defeated and finding it hard to get through each hour living in my own skin. Likely the culprit is exhaustion, but I can't quiet the "what if" game in my head that seems to be getting louder with each passing day. Not that the first few weeks were easy, but I never imagined that it would actually get more difficult day by day. I want to bring my baby home... to be whole, my heart just needs our family together.

Emme is doing great, up to about 3lbs and 10 ounces - she has been on a gaining streak for the past 10 days gaining between 4-37 grams per day. But this morning, she had a simple issue with her feeding tube that just set me off in a watershow of tears and a feeling I haven't been able to repress all day. I arrived extra early, around 4:15 am after pumping and walking Kellydog because lately I just have been feeling an urge to spend more and more time there (which is difficult during the day to find care for Grace.) I changed her, took her temp, weighed her diaper and brought her fresh clothes for the next few days. We started our skin-to-skin and about 15 minutes later when her care nurse was back from break, her feeding began. Well the tube just wasn't right and after way too much poking a prodding, my little one was screaming unlike I had ever seen before- so uncomfortable, so hungry - and I was helpless in being able to console her. They took her away from me and put her back in her isolette to change her feeding tube and I left the NICU in tears. I knew she would be fine (I went back at 10am to check, and she was peaceful) but still, hours later, I can't stop thinking of her shriek- seeing her little limbs flail. 

It doesn't help that every time we go into the NICU, security gives us a double take to see our awesome plastic wrist bands and the nurses interrogate us ensuring we are her parents. I am happy they are protective, but we see security and the nursing staff 5x a day, you'd think we would be slightly more memorable/welcomed to see our littlest one. 

I know she is in phenomenal care, far better than we could give her, I just don't know how we are going to do this for another 6-8 weeks. These first 25 days have been difficult enough... I thought I was doing well, that we had the hang of things, but now I am just not so sure...